My January 1st, 2017 started out with such optimism and excitement. But how quickly those thoughts turned into anger, frustration, and fear.
I love my children more than words could ever express but they truly know how to test my patience. Our boys have been off on Christmas Holidays for a week and a bit and they are driving me crazy, only because I am letting them so and I was too weak so I gave my mommy superpower away so willingly.
Boys in general, seem to have more energy than girls, or so this is what I am told since I don’t have a daughter, but a four-legged fur baby. Nonetheless, they have too much energy and it hasn’t helped that they’ve been sleep deprived, eating like crap with too much sugar and high starchy foods which had made them go off the rails even more so.
It’s Jan 1st and I already feel like I’m failing. Failing as a mom, a wife, and a woman.
How do I get these guys to chill the F@$K out? So that momma can exercise a sense of peace, joy, and happiness that the New Year is supposed to bring. Well… it didn’t happen for me.
The total chaos that took over my home threw me off the rails and at that moment I made a decision that these guys are no longer allowed to have sugar. “…but mom…” “I hate you” “You’re so mean” came out of the mouth of my guys. It hurt but I knew I needed to put my foot down and tell them that they can’t have any more sugar, which meant, no candy, no chocolate, and no cookies.
For the next few hours I wasn’t very popular and the energy in my home shifted from bad to worse. Everyone was on edge. Every little thing set the other off. Fighting and arguing over who’s toy is who’s to a boy running around naked because he didn’t want to get dressed.
My blood was boiling and I couldn’t turn the pot down.
By the afternoon I knew I had to get my shit together if I was ever going to feel sane again. So… I called in for help. My white flag went up and I surrendered knowing that I am not mentally stable to be a good example for my boys or for my husband for that matter.
I called my mom and dad. Nana and Papa. Begged for them to come over and take them for a sleepover. I love my boys… but Momma just needed a time out. I needed to regain my strength, my focus, my clarity and my inner peace.
This was my tipping point. A week and a half of build up… momma exploded and to some my behaviour might have seemed minimal but for me, I hated who I was for that period of time and I am the only one that can be held accountable for my actions. Nobody else. I made poor choices and it left me feeling defeated and depleted.
Calling in for help was the right thing to do and there is no shame in asking for it. I needed it and the courage I gained will only make me and my relationship with my boys stronger.
After my parents came to pick up our boys I made the decision that I needed to find my happy place, be at peace with myself and release any toxins I had building up in my body from the New Years fun I had the night before. So I got changed into my yoga clothes, kissed my husband goodbye and drove off to practice my yoga. My happy place.
It’s amazing how 1 hour of sweating and flowing in a hot yoga class with my omies can get me back to my happy go lucky self. But it wasn’t until I laid in Shavasana at the end of class that all my pent-up energy came flowing out like a river of tears.
Yes, I cried.
I just let it flow. I let go of the guilt, the shame, the fear and the anger I held inside. I trusted that my decision to call my parents for help and that going to yoga was the right thing to do. My boys would be happier, they would be with their grandparents (which they just love and adore), they would have a change of scenery, and they would be having fun!
… and mommy would be able to breathe.
I didn’t stop there. I turned to my angels and I prayed. I prayed to Archangel Ariel and I ask for further guidance in finding peace within myself. I was guided to find the courage within and trust that within me is a light that shines bright. A light bright enough to conquer fear, anger, sadness and self-pity. A light that will bring peace by being ever so present, right now, right here wherever I stand, I sit, I lay or I be. I will be the light and shine bright.
The energy in my home, my being, and my life has calmed down tremendously, and I hope that moving forward into 2017 I can continue to find my inner peace and shine my light in all areas in my life.
Here’s to finding peace.
I hope that you too can find your light and trust that peace begins with you.
Happy New Years and God Bless.